Wednesday, May 23, 2007


INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

PRESIDENT BUSH sits behind his desk with ALBERTO GONZALES seated before him.

PRESIDENT BUSH
I think I've figured out how to get the heat off of you, Alberto. We're going to play up your ethnicity and the racial diversity of my cabinet. You need to wear a sombrero at all times.

GONZALES
Sir, you've been trying to get me to wear one of those since we met, and I must respectfully decline.

PRESIDENT BUSH
What about..

GONZALES
No on the poncho, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH
OK, but...

GONZALES
I don't even know how to play one of those big guitars, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Well, we wouldn't be in half this mess if you'd have taken my advice about answering questions from the Judicial Committee.

GONZALES
It would be inappropriate to answer every question a Senator put to me with 'Si si, Senor.'

PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, but 'I don't recall' is better? (MUSES) We should've gotten Sam Alito's wife to sit behind you and cry a little.

The President's intercom BEEPS. The President pushes a button.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Linda, I'm in direly serious discussion with the Attorney General, secret code name: Alberto VO-5, double-secret code name: Speedy. We are discussing things very vociferously.

LINDA (O.C.)
Leonard is here with your lunch, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, send him in.

LEONARD, a member of the White House kitchen staff, comes in with a light lunch for the President.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Did you cut the crusts off?

LEONARD
Yes Mr. President.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Aw, Mr. President was my dad. You can call me George. Wait, that was him too. Call me Mr. Bush. Juice box, Alberto?

GONZALES
No thank you, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Lenny, what about that other thing?

Leonard looks at the Attorney General with discomfort and hands the President a copy of the New York Times. The Attorney General reacts with dismay.

GONZALES
Mr. President, you know Mr. Cheney doesn't want you reading that stuff.

PRESIDENT BUSH
What Uncle Dick doesn't know won't hurt him. Thanks Lenny.

Leonard EXITS under the remonstrative glare of the Attorney General. The President scans the front page.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Eleven more dead? Man. Whichever little country makes American flags is doing pretty brisk business supplying them to these bereaved families every day.

GONZALES
Probably a Halliburton subsidiary, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH
I've got to ask Uncle Dick about getting some of those stock options he's sitting on.

GONZALES
How are the girls, sir?

PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, you know how it is. Me and Laura worry about them all the time. The worst thing is the public thinking they're just drunken party dolls and asking why they don't serve when so many other American kids do--never knowing about the service they do for the country, and the missions they undertake for our national security.

GONZALES
The public can never know, sir. It would undermine the effectiveness of what is probably our most valuable asset in the international war on terror: your daughters.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Better make sure Novak never gets wind of that, huh?

GONZALES
They're worth a dozen Brewster Jennings, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Still, the danger they face; I'd rather have them going up and down IED Alley in Baghdad every day on a Rose Parade float with Lee Greenwood singing 'I'm Proud to be an American' on the PA than some of the missions they go on.

The Attorney General wipes his eyes.

GONZALES
Just thinking about that song brings a tear to my eye.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Me too, Speedy; me too.

GONZALES
These missions are what they've been trained for since they were in diapers, sir. Always remember they are the most thoroughly trained operatives in CIA history.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Me and Laura don't even know where they are most of the time.

GONZALES
It's important that only those at the top level of government are apprised, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH
(pouting)
But Uncle Dick never tells me anything.

GONZALES
You know it's for the best, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Still, it's just not fair that the war dead and their families get to hog all the glory in anonymity. They think they're so great. Did you know that more people die brushing their teeth than as a result of improvised explosive devices?

GONZALES
That's not true, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH
True or not, it raises an important point.

The President takes an enthusiastic bite of his peanut butter, jelly & banana sandwich.

GONZALES
Yes sir, it does.

CUT TO:

INT. MEHRABAD INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY

At Mehrabad, the international airport in Tehran, Iran, SAMIR BANNOUT, Iranian Secret Service Agent, meets the Bush Twins, JENNA and NOT-JENNA, at the baggage carousel. The Bush Twins are travelling undercover as co-hosts of E! Television's 'Wild On..', filming an episode in Tehran. National Security Advisor STEPHEN HADLEY poses as their Producer on the shoot. Samir greets them warmly.

SAMIR
Miss Jenna, Miss Not-Jenna, I am Samir. I am the Iranian Minister of International Nightlife Relations. We are most grateful that you have decided to take this important step between our two countries.

They look at him blankly.

JENNA
Totally.

NOT-JENNA
Totally totally.

Samir eyes Stephen suspiciously, then smiles with pleasant nonchalance, extending his hand.

SAMIR
I am Samir Bannout.

Stephen extends his hand uneasily.

STEPHEN
I..I'm Homer Simpson. I'm the producer for E! on this segment.

SAMIR
A pleasure to meet you...Homer Simpson.

Samir looks at him in a more-than-slightly intimidating way, then, to Stephen's relief, releases his hand and turns his attention back to the Bush twins.

SAMIR
We feel that the Iranian people, their society and their government have been misportrayed and are as a result not as well-understood by your Western audience as we would like. Hopefully your visit will correct that.

JENNA
We think that's like, so important.

NOT-JENNA
It's pretty much a priority and stuff for us.

Samir stands for uncomfortable moments waiting for them to elaborate. The twins chew gum with bored impatience.

SAMIR
Well, allow me to escort you to your minivan; President Ahmadinejad anticipates your dinner this evening with profound eagerness.

CUT TO:

INT. MINIVAN - MINUTES LATER

The twins and Stephen Hadley sit in the passenger van as it pulls away from the curb.

STEPHEN
My stars, I thought he was...

Jenna SLAPS a hand over his mouth and nods to Not-Jenna, who pulls what appears to be a handheld personal massager out of her purse. She flips it ON and smiles.

CUT TO:

INT. SURVEYLANCE VAN – SIMULTANEOUS

Agents SCREAM and tear off their headphones; we hear loud FEEDBACK coming from their earpieces.

CUT TO:

INT. MINIVAN - CONTINUOUS

NOT-JENNA
Homer Simpson?

JENNA
Christ, Hadley, shit your pants much? I hope you're not going to be dead weight on this mission the whole time.

STEPHEN
Look, I'm sorry, I got flustered. I'm not a quick-thinking man--and he was beastly.

JENNA
Damn right; he's one of ours. He infiltrated the Iranian Ministry of Information--

NOT-JENNA
(correcting)
Savama.

JENNA
You think this slobberhead knows that? (TO STEPHEN) No offense. Anyway, he's been in place since Grandpa was President.

Stephen motions to the DRIVER.

STEPHEN
What about him?

JENNA
Haji, is that you?

HAJI
Indeed it is, Miss Jenna.

NOT-JENNA
We haven't seen you since, what was it, the Damascus situation?

HAJI
Yes, Miss Not-Jenna. I am honored that you remember. You saved my life and the lives of my men; never have I witnessed such courage and excellence in the field.

JENNA
Now, now; it was a team effort. We never could have rescued you if you didn't fall blindly into the Syrians' trap. Now, can you tell us anything we should know?

HAJI
(solemnly)
They have triggers, Miss Jenna.

NOT-JENNA
I knew it! Krytrons or Spytrons?

STEPHEN
Krytrons?

JENNA
Are you, like, functionally retarded? These are triggers for nuclear devices. One's bad--and the other's worse.

NOT-JENNA
The Krytron trigger uses a weak beta emitter: nickel-63. It is extremely reliable, but less so for large detonations than the Spytron trigger.

STEPHEN
Is that what we use?

JENNA
Doy! We use plutonium-239 triggers. I can't believe Dad trusts you to walk Barney. (TO HAJI) Well, what's the verdict?

HAJI
Bad news: they have secured the Spytron.

JENNA
Goddammit.

STEPHEN
But the UN Inspectors haven't found any weapons labs!

NOT-JENNA
(snorts derisively)
Hear that, Haji? (TO STEPHEN) Those imbeciles couldn't find Waldo in a bin full of Waldo dolls, for fuck's sake.

JENNA
What can you tell us about the Presidential Dinner tonight?

HAJI
Little has been said to distinguish it from any other State dinner.

NOT-JENNA
Well, we'll make sure it will be distinctly memorable for them.

HAJI
(smiling)
I am confident you will, Miss Not-Jenna.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESIDENTIAL PALACE - EVENING

In a dining room appointed in delirious luxury, Jenna and Not-Jenna, along with a nervous-looking Stephen Hadley, sit with Iranian President Ahmadinejad.

JENNA
Oh. My. God. These drinks are so delish! (TO SERVANT STANDING NEARBY) Can you bring us another pitcher, please please please?

The President NODS and the servant is dispatched.

AHMADINEJAD
I believe your visit will mark the beginning of a robust friendship between our two nations. The time has come to put the bad feelings behind us.

NOT-JENNA
(slurring)
Let's be total BFFs!

AHMADINEJAD
B..F..Fs?

JENNA
Best friends forever!

AHMADINEJAD
Ah, yes.

He raises his glass in a toast as the new pitcher is poured.

AHMADINEJAD (cont.)
As you say, to BFFs!

JENNA
Totally!

NOT-JENNA
Totally totally!

They all drink.

JENNA
Your beard is so cute. Don't you think so, Not-Jenna?

NOT-JENNA
I like it. (BEAT) A lot.

Not-Jenna WINKS lasciviously.

AHMADINEJAD
I am most humbly gratified that it pleases you. It is my fervent hope that the fruitful and momentous visit from your 'Wild On..' team will lead, in due course, to a visit from another great American in the future.

STEPHEN
You mean...

AHMADINEJAD
Yes, the man who does the 'Girls Gone Wild.' We are a college town too, you see. If you are able to put an inviting face on our people for your audience, as I am sure you will be, it is our ardent hope that in the near future, he can add their inviting breasts for his viewers. I am an enthusiastic collector of his work. Would you like to retire to my screening room to view some recent titles?

JENNA
That would be awesome! (NOTICING NOT-JENNA) Now, don't give me that look!

NOT-JENNA
(playfully)
It's you! (SMILING) If you start, then I'm going to start, and neither of us will be able to stop!

AHMADINEJAD
(grinning)
Are you two about to get a case of the giggles?

NOT-JENNA
No. (BEAT) The vomits.

Not-Jenna's chest HEAVES, she GAGS, and begins VOMITING all over the State dining table, spraying linen, the floral arrangements, and the remaining dishes and settings.

JENNA
(resigned)
Well, here we go!

Jenna begins regurgitating the exquisite meal and the plentiful beverages at high velocity. Soon the curtains, tapestries, floors and, needless to say, President Ahmadinejad and Stephen Hadley, sitting stoically, are covered with the erstwhile contents of the twins' stomachs.

The air seems filled with matter, and the sounds of retching and thick splashes. When it seems they have exhausted their gastric capacities, they glance at each other and helplessly begin vomiting with renewed vigor.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESIDENTIAL PALACE – A MINUTE LATER

CLOSE ON: a thick, tangled, wet DARK MASS.

PULL BACK: to reveal Ahmadinejad’s BEARD, clotted with semi-digested SHRIMP.

PULL FURTHER BACK: to reveal the girls are both passed out in their chairs, slumped over on the table.

STEPHEN
(lightly)
Perhaps the girls would be better off going to sleep, acclimating themselves, and attending the screening with you tomorrow.

President Ahmadinejad's beard drips with sick.

AHMADINEJAD
(dryly)
As you see fit, Mr. Simpson.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESIDENTIAL GUEST SUITE – LATER

Presidential Palace SECURITY STAFF carry the intoxicated, unconscious girls into the bedroom. A FART is heard. The staff members deposit the twins into their beds and withdraw, closing the suite door behind them. We hear the door LOCKED from the outside.

As the bolt LOCKS into place, the girls SNAP upright and immediately move with precision through their paces, sober as robotic welding arms on an assembly line. Jenna opens her LAPTOP, Not-Jenna pours the contents of her carry-on bag onto the bed: the component piecess of a Heckler&Koch G36 assault rifle, which she begins snapping together with practiced mechanical efficiency.

NOT-JENNA
It’s been four seconds—have you breached the highest level of their national security software yet?

Jenna hits three KEYSTROKES.

JENNA
I’m in. Are you going to bone Haji?

NOT-JENNA
Ew! (BEAT) Maybe.

Not-Jenna pulls a COIL OF NYLON ROPE out of her diaphragm case.

NOT-JENNA
Trip the connection on these windows; we’re going to have to repel down.

Not-Jenna anchors the rope in a buntline hitch knot to the leg of an enormous armoire. Jenna stands, hands on hips.

JENNA
Well, sis; it’s time for the Bush Twins to save the world.

NOT-JENNA
Again.

They LEAP out the window into the black Tehran night.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Outside a heavily-guarded compound, THREE MEN with RIFLES patrol with aloof faces but alert eyes. They turn as FOOTSTEPS approach.

ANGLE ON: a FAINT GLOW emerges out of the shadows. It is a GLO-STICK in the hand of Not-Jenna. The twins advance shoulder-to-shoulder, down the dimly-lit alley toward the bright LIGHTS under which the security detail has tensed and raised their weapons.

The twins stumble slightly every few steps and giggle girlishly at a shared joke. Only when the HEAD OF SECURITY BARKS do they take notice of the heavily-armed men ten paces ahead of them.

HEAD OF SECURITY
Halt!

JENNA
(smiles sweetly)
Oh, hi; we’re on the guest list.

NOT-JENNA
It doesn’t look very happening.

HEAD OF SECURITY
Guest list? There is no ‘guest list.’

JENNA
All clubs have guest lists, silly. (TO NOT-JENNA) Next he’s going to say they don’t have table service for Clicquot.

HEAD OF SECURITY
I’m not sure where you think you are…

NOT-JENNA
Who’s spinning tonight? I hope it’s Smear!

HEAD OF SECURITY
Spinning?

NOT-JENNA
DJing? Duh?

HEAD OF SECURITY
There is no DJ here. This is not a dance club.

Relaxing, the guards lower their weapons for just a moment. It’s all the time the Bush Twins need.

NOT-JENNA
Allah Akbar, cocksuckers!

She THROWS her glo-stick at the ground between the armed men and the twins DIVE for cover.

The glo-stick EXPLODES.

Jenna and Not-Jenna rise. The area where the guards stood is blackened and festooned with SCRAPS OF CLOTHING and BODYPARTS.

A smoking, bloody BOOT falls to the ground with a THUD. Jenna HISSES toward the shadows:

JENNA
Haji! Hadley!

The figures of the two men approach. Stephen is badly shaken by what he’s seen.

STEPHEN
Oh God. Oh God.

NOT-JENNA
Get ahold of yourself, lady; we’ve got work to do.

Haji hands the G36 assault rifle to Jenna. The twins look at each other.

JENNA
Nil volentibus arduum.

NOT-JENNA
Timidi mater non flet.

STEPHEN
(smiling)
Your father told me you twins talked to each other in a secret, made-up language.

NOT-JENNA
Yeah, it’s called ‘Latin,’ dipshit.

They proceed inside.

CUT TO:

INT. LABORATORY – MINUTES LATER

An ELEVATOR DOOR BUZZES and OPENS. Jenna, Not-Jenna, Haji and Stephen Hadley emerge cautiously. They look around, awed.

ANGLE ON: a NUCLEAR WEAPONS LAB lies before them, crowded heavy machinery bolted into the cement floor. They walk past a sequence of large VACUUM VESSELS.

JENNA
It’s a weapons lab all right.

NOT-JENNA
Just like Jesus told Daddy it would be!

JENNA
They’ve got all the equipment for a complete nuclear fuel cycle.

NOT-JENNA
They’re preparing Yellow Cake, and they’re taking the by-products of the conversion program…

JENNA
Uranium hexofloride, metallic uranium, uranium oxide…

STEPHEN
(interrupting)
How do they get rid of that?

NOT-JENNA
They don’t. They keep it all for uranium enrichment.

STEPHEN
(flustered)
Sure, but, uh…so they’re doing laser uranium enrichment?

Jenna and Not-Jenna smile at each other.

JENNA
I doubt it.

STEPHEN
(defensive)
Why?

NOT-JENNA
Because you’re standing in front of a centrifuge, you big dork. So we’re guessing they’re doing centrifugal enrichment.

JENNA
Interesting that they’re using a cascade design for their centrifuge.

JENNA & NOT-JENNA
(in unison)
Thanks Pakistan!

JENNA
This place is like a radioisotope Disneyworld.

Confusion crowds Stephen’s facial features.

NOT-JENNA
She means it’s a hot cell production facility.

STEPHEN
But the nuclear fuel pellets could be used for fuel rods at a power plant.

Jenna rolls her eyes; she’s had about enough.

JENNA
Sure. Seriously, how did you get your job? Was there a ‘Who Wants to be America’s Next National Security Advisor’ game show I didn’t hear about that plucked you out of your job as the swing shift manager at the Hardee’s in Cedar Rapids?

Stephen begins to CRY.

NOT-JENNA
Come on, sis; we’re all on the same team here.

JENNA
(snapping towards Stephen)
Yeah, but some of us suck.

Stephen’s SOBS become audible.

NOT-JENNA
They’ve been doing inert and UF6 gas experiments.

HAJI
How can you tell?

NOT-JENNA
Call it a woman’s intuition.

Suddenly, a VOICE comes from above.

AHMADINEJAD
Good evening, Miss Jenna and Miss Not-Jenna. I am pleased to see you have made a full recovery from the unpleasantness of earlier this evening.

JENNA
Yes, we’re feeling much better, thanks.

AHMADINEJAD
Welcome to my humble nuclear weapons laboratory. I see you’ve made yourself at home.
JENNA
This is your lab? I thought this was the set of a cooking show on Al-Jazeera.

NOT-JENNA
Let’s cut to the chase, Ahmadinejad.

AHMADINEJAD
Oh, let’s.

A VOICE sounds from the shadows behind a HEXAVALENCE FISSIVE VOLUMIZER.

SAMIR
Not so fast, President Ahmadinejad.

Samir Bannout emerges, holding a Beretta 93R automatic leveled at President Ahmadinejad’s head.

AHMADINEJAD
Samir, what is the meaning of this?

SAMIR
The meaning, Mr. President, is that I am, and have long been, an agent working in a top-secret capacity for the C.I.A.

AHMADINEJAD
(dumbfounded)
But…I too am and have long been an agent working in a top-secret capacity for the C.I.A.

The twins NOD in confirmation. Samir lowers his weapon, walking towards the twins and their company.

SAMIR
But…I never saw you at the top-secret C.I.A.-operatives Christmas party…

In a flash, Not-Jenna SPINS and SMASHES Samir’s windpipe with an elbow. He thrashes on the floor in paroxysms of agony, and DIES.

NOT-JENNA
Sorry, Samir; you didn't have security clearance for that intel.

AHMADINEJAD
Now, Miss Not-Jenna; displays of Israeli fighting technique are considered somewhat bad form in my country.

NOT-JENNA
Apologies. But Krav Maga is such a killer workout!

STEPHEN
(hysterical)
I don’t understand! I thought we were here to disable the facility!

JENNA
You thought wrong. (SHE MEETS NOT-JENNA’S SERIOUS EYES) We’re here to arm a nuclear weapon for them.

STEPHEN
What? NO!! Why??

NOT-JENNA
Because the price of peace at home is war abroad. And this is a necessary step to keep the freedoms we hold dear in check.

President Ahmadinejad approaches with a steel briefcase.

STEPHEN
Can’t Iranian nuclear scientists arm it?

NOT-JENNA
(grumbling)
They couldn’t light a firecracker if they were engulfed in flames.

The President opens the briefcase on a table in front of Jenna.

JENNA
(unsure)
Not-Jenna (BEAT) I’m not sure if I can do this.

AHMADINEJAD
What? Of course you can!

NOT-JENNA
Of course she can, she just doesn’t know if she wants to. (TO JENNA, EXHORTING) You can do this. Remember how you faced the Brazil ‘situation’?

JENNA
You mean when they waxed my stink-wrinkle?

NOT-JENNA
Exactly. You didn’t want to do it, but you knew you had to—and you did. And the next thing you knew, your shitwinker was smooth and hairless.

JENNA
But I was drunk!

NOT-JENNA
No—you were pretending to be drunk. This is just waxing a different kind of pooper. Do it for America. We need enemies worthy of the exchange of our freedom.

Jenna rubs her hands together.

JENNA
You’re right. Let’s get to work.

ANGLE ON: clock reading 2:30

ANGLE ON: Jenna’s face, fixed in concentration.

ANGLE ON: clock reading 3:10

ANGLE ON: Stephen looks on nervously, next to the admiring gaze with which Haji observes Jenna’s work.

ANGLE ON: the clock reads 4:20. Noticing the clock, Not-Jenna gives a thumbs-up and pantomimes taking a bongload. Jenna steps back and wipes her painfully stiffened hands together; her task is completed.

AHMADINEJAD
Well?

JENNA
That’s it; the bomb is armed.

AHMADINEJAD
Really?

JENNA
Really.

AHMADINEJAD
Finally! We now belong to the club! (TO HAJI) We’re nuclear, baby! (JUMPING, EXCITED) The nuclear bomb's here! The nuclear bomb's here! (STOPS IN MOMENTOUS REALIZATION) Things are going to start happening to me now.

NOT-JENNA
No.

He looks at her, confused. With the butt of her hand, she DRIVES the President’s nosebone into his frontal lobe. His body COLLAPSES lifelessly to the ground.

NOT JENNA
Things are going to stop happening to you now. (OVER HER SHOULDER) You can come out now.

Out on the balcony above, the AYATOLLAH RAFSANJANI strides imperiously, gazing out at them.

JENNA
Happy whatever-passes-for-Christmas around here (GESTURES TO DEVICE) Your bomb.

NOT-JENNA
Or as we like to think of it, an alarm clock to awaken patriotism in even the darkest liberal heart.

RAFSANJANI
I am grateful that Allah has seen fit to intersect our interests so felicitously.

JENNA
Whatever, freak (TO NOT-JENNA) God bless America!

The twins do a SKULL & BONES HANDSHAKE and then JUMP in a HIGH-FIVE.

FREEZE FRAME.

FADE OUT.